Best of the Gore Gazette - Page 8

#99 -

#99 - Editorial: …since bitching about video killing downtown urban venues for nearly 2 ½ years has not made the couch potato phenomena go away, the G.G. staff has decided to throw in the towel and heed the old adage "If you can't beat `em, join `em!" As of this issue, we'll be including reviews of selected video titles that we feel deserve your attention. We're not cunting out by any means, the G.G. will still feature mostly theatrical reviews of every flick that plays somewhere in the N.Y. metro area.
Editorial: The Gore Gazette (Rick Sullivan ) and Morton Downey Jr
DEAD BANG: ...Along the way, Frankenheimer packs Dead Bang with an onslaught of graphic violence and depravity that will hold sleaze fans interest throughout the flicks slightly long 105 minutes. No one hates dickhead Don (Johnson) more than the G.G. staff, so don't be put off about paying to see him.
SIEGE OF FIREBASE GLORIA: Attended only by dwindling members of the Wings Hauser fan club and a few confused Negroes who thought the flick was about an attack on a crack smoking prostitute, Gloria is an extremely violent Vietnam War actioner…
CAMERON'S CLOSET: After apparently being tossed aside for his camp value by John Waters, 50's teen heartthrob-turned-homo Tab Hunter is sadly now reduced to being decapitated by a Mayan demon…that looks so phony when finally revealed in the flicks last reel, it looks like it was made from leftover high school art supplies.
PET SEMATARY: Straight to the litter box for yet another overblown ponderously dull Stephen King abomination. George Romero should feel proud he was fired off the set of this trite clunker and replaced by MTV munchette Mary Lambert whose only prior horror experience was directing Madonna videos.
VACACIONES DE TERROR: Screened at N.Y.'s formidable Spanish language-only Hollywood Twin, this lame Beyond the Door PG-styled possession opera was directed by Rene Cardona III in memory of his grandfather who died in 1988. Gramps was the dude behind such classics as Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy, Night of the Bloody Apes, etc., so he is probably screaming "Maricon!" from the grave when he sees what pussyweight gore fare his bloodline is offering up.
DEAD CALM: This cat and mouse suspensor has some great acting, pacing and sporadic bloodletting, but supposed maniac Billy Zane is such an obvious real-life fag that Negroes at 42nd St.'s famed Selwyn Theatre screamed "Dat queer can't even get it up - he wants to suck the husband's dick" during Calm's poignant rape scene, trashing the flick's entire credibility.

#100 -

#100 - ( This anniversary issue was printed on newsprint and given away free! - J4HI )
Editorial: R.I.P. to Steve Puchalski who has ceased production of his excellent "Slimetime" owing to some personal problems which I infer to be some rat bastard who turned him in for printing his zine on the job....We  tips our hats to what was the best publication of the fanzine set. ( Three issues later Rick would plug Steve's new fanzine Shock Cinema which, as of this writing, is looking to become one of the longest running film zines. - J4HI )
LOCK-UP: …was filmed on location at N.J.'s own Rahway State Prison with real inmates used as extras. We caught up with the flick at the Liberty Theatre in a neighboring town (to the prison) where ethnic minions in attendance amused themselves throughout the film's slow spots by identifying incarcerated relatives.
VAMPIRE'S KISS: The flick constantly flip flops between comedy and drama and is further hampered by Cage's annoying, scenery-chewing performance, highlighted by his nasal monotone that reveals he's been hooting too much powder. Why support his habit by viewing this crap?
SAVAGE BEACH: The annual Andy Sidaris panoramic low budget sexploitation tit-a-thon comes as a breath of fresh air in these repressed days of safe sex and monogamy. Sure the acting's awful, but it's a pleasure to see blonde bimbos bone indiscriminately without the use of condoms and doff their tops at the drop of a hat.

#101 - ( The G.G.'s "Gore Film of the Year" award goes to Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer  )

#101 -
( Editor of the GG gets engaged? )

COMMUNION: Christopher Walken's embarrassing scenery-chewing and ranting about how aliens came into his room and gave him a "rectal probe" (Walken's quote, not ours) is only eclipsed by the final depiction of the creatures themselves - who laughably resemble the California Raisins!
TANGO AND CASH: A multi-million dollar testosterone outing that is so far-fetched and ridiculous it plays like a cinematic version of a Road Runner cartoon. It seems a waste to spend $12 million bucks on such a mindless piece of sexist, violent escapism, but it sure beats Old Gringo or The Abyss, flicks that cost twice as much without having one fart joke.
LEATHERFACE:THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III: Gorehounds will notice the glaring cuts made in the KNB Group's grisly blood-drenched effects, but surprisingly there is enough crimson carnage left intact that fans will not feel totally cheated. Considering all the insurmountable odds the film has faced since it's inception, TCM III is slightly flawed, yet far and away superior to 86's unrated Dennis Hopper-starring embarrassment.
HIGH STAKES: What's leggy former 1988 Oscar nominee Sally Kirkland doing in this low budget sexploitationer as a hooker with a heart of gold who enlists an unsuspecting Wall Street financier to help her break out of the pussy trade? Could she have fallen that low in just one year? Is that really burn-scarred B-villain stalwart Richard Lynch she's sucking face with? How much could she have been paid to star in this poverty-row travesty that's already in the video shops? Would she blow me for $20.00?
HARD TO KILL review 
DRUGSTORE COWBOY: If you're into contraband you must see this masterpiece under the influence. If not, at least pound down a six-pack. William Burroughs as a geriatric, heroin-addled priest nearly steals the show in the final two reels, leaving Drugstore Cowboy one of the best films released in 1989.

#102 -

#102 - STREETS review
THE GUARDIAN: Former Exorcist director William Friedkin must be entering into senility as this ridiculous outing concerning an evil cannibalistic druid tree that survives by eating newborn babies…is so lame it makes 1958's corny From Hell it Came (the last timber inspired horror outing to our recollection) look like Citizen Kane by comparison.
TWISTED JUSTICE: …producer, director and star David Heavener looks as if he acquired his filmmaking and acting skills from a matchbook correspondence course. And how much blow did he have to throw around to get Karen Black, Jim Brown, Don Stroud, Jim Van Patton and an enchilda-bloated Eric Estrada to appear in this Grade Z outing?
THE COOK, THE THIEF, HIS WIFE AND HER LOVER:...A bit overlong at 126 minutes, antsy gorehounds can pass the time counting how many mainstream art patrons leave the theatre in disgust during any of the above mentioned sequences. During our viewing, I counted 11, but there were plenty more groans of disgust and outrage. A must see!
LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN: This O.K. celluloid adaptation of Hubert Selby's 1964 classic sleaze novel tells us two things we already know: 1) that Jennifer Jason Leigh has a great, perky set of tits and 2) even back in the Brooklyn of 1952 there were guys who liked to suck each other's cocks. So, big deal!

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