Best of the Gore Gazette - Page 9

#103 -

#103 - 10 Year Anniversary
Editorial: (looking back over the G.G.'s 10 years Rick comments ) …the zine was started after a volatile combination of corporate boredom, dissatisfaction with the unfair treatment of genre films at the hands of boorish mainstream critics (aka lobsters) and the schizophrenic opinions of Bill Landis, grand poopah of the fanzine scene with his landmark Sleazoid Express necessitated it's creation.
WILD AT HEART: Proof positive that the MPAA uses a double standard when rating major studio releases as opposed to independent efforts; how this 127 minute hi-octane gumbo of violence, explicit sex and general smarminess was awarded an R-rating while flicks like Henry and Frankenhooker are slapped with the dreaded X is totally beyond us.    
DELTA FORCE II: …Sort of the first legitimate snuff film, Delta utilizes footage of a helicopter crash wherein five people were really killed during the flick's production back on May 15, 1989. Why waste the real thing? Special effects are expensive! A half grade higher for such bad taste.
HARDWARE: You know that the G.G. staff must be getting old when virtually every element of the genre press, both fan and prozine alike, refer to a film as a " post-apocalyptic cyberpunk splatter classic" and we sit there scratching our heads wondering just what the hell cyberpunk means and trying to decide if we saw the same film.
THE RETURN OF SUPERFLY: That early 70's fur-wearing, coke-dealing, white-womanizing, Caucasian-hating badass returns after a hiatus of nearly two decades as a wimped-out, anti-drug, Armani-suited, pro-cop, ugly black woman-porking douche bag in this no-budget talky rip-off…
SONNY BOY review

#104 - ( The G.G.'s "Gore Film of the Year" is Ovidio Assonitis' Sonny Boy )

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE III: …Sure, nudity abounds, but all the chicks who flash bare flesh are pretty repellent and coupled with the utterly banal screenplay, Massacre is a pretty lifeless outing recommended only as third rate masturbation fodder for hard up sleaze fans stranded on a dateless night.
HANG FIRE: Those Hasidic shysters at N.Y.'s own Marvin Films deserve an award for all-time bad taste in deceptive advertising for concocting big newsprint ads displaying an Army tank and the words "Saddam Hussein Look Out!" when this actioner was released to the metro area 5 days before the U.S. was expected to plunge into a full scale war with Iraq. What's wrong with that, you ask? Nothing, except that Hang Fire has nothing to do with the Middle East crisis…
NAKED OBSESSION: …Sleaze fans are strongly urged to bring their thumprags along whilst viewing Naked, a dark horse, sleeper sleaze-a-thon that'll have them woodies-a-poppin and is easily one of the best scuzzfests released this year.
DEAD SPACE: A cast of non-actors is decimated by the paper-mache monster until former Hollywood has-been turned nose candy Neanderthal Marc Singer dispatches the creature in a blurry finale that looks as if it were filmed with KY Jelly smeared on the camera lens.
NEW JACK CITY: Controversial rap artist Ice-T nearly steals the show as an undercover cop set on toppling his neighborhood's drug cartel with a debut acting performance that makes veteran thesps Wesley Snipes, Judd Nelson and even Mario Van Peebles himself look like pikers by comparison.
RUN: …Any film that culminates with the killing of the head villain by a mechanical rabbit at a greyhound track has just got to be an abysmal clunker, as evidenced by the film's 5 day engagement on 42nd St. before being replaced by an ancient karate double bill that did three times more business.
THE HARD WAY: Foul-mouthed James Woods spends the bulk Hard Way's 111 minutes calling Michael J. Fox a wimp, nerd, jizzball, shitstain, homo, fag, asshole and retard while slapping him around at the slightest provocation, much to the delight of sleaze fans who've hated the little weasel since the days of the insipid sitcom Family Ties.

#104 -

#105 - UP AGAINST THE WALL review
JUNGLE FEVER: That annoying gadfly Spike Lee spends 2 hours and 12 minutes attempting to tell us that all black men, be they yuppified or homeboys, secretly harbor the desire to fuck a white woman and that once sliced, said Caucasian will become a slave to the dark meat. Tell us something we don't already know, oh grand vizier of racial consciousness  - my black schoolmates would hustle their balls and shout, "Once you go black, you never come back" when I was in the 5th grade! 
H.G. LEWIS at "Son of Horrorthon"
THE UNBORN: …is perfect for gorehounds who have knocked up their girlfriends and cannot convince them to abort to embryo - they'll be running for the clinic stirrups after viewing this gutwrencher!
SPACE AVENGER: Throughout, (director) Haines packs Avenger with enough rampant violence, profanity, nudity and grisly special effects to make the film one of this year's sleeper classics. The Technicolor process adds a further bonus, making the flick's $800,000 budget look like $5 million! Recommended. 
POINT BREAK: Proof positive that Kathryn Bigelow must have used a large portion of the fruits of her recent Hollywood successes on consuming massive amounts of cocaine as this nonsensical tale of a gang of surfing bank robbers…could only seem feasible to a veteran of one too many Inca talk parties. Stars Gary Busey, Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze have all been know to hoot the occasional rails themselves, leaving Point Break to resemble a 122 minute commercial for the Betty Ford Clinic.
#106 - (The G.G.'s "Gore Film of the Year" is Silence of the Lambs )
WHORE: Theresa Russell is hilarious as she spouts comments about the odious taste of old men's jizz, how fast she can make a guy drop his malt, etc., but her constant asides directly into the camera get quite annoying and leave one to feel as if they are watching a Woody Allen outing. Still, the old broad has a great set of tits and an enticing snatch to match which she reveals throughout…
THE LAST BOY SCOUT: I gotta admit, I'm one of those guys who detested Bruce Willis for ages, but that smart-mouthed, balding, scion of yuppies, Demi Moore-boning hambone has finally won me over with this no-holds barred, vulgar, violent action romp that should serve as a textbook example of how to make an exploitation classic.
BEASTMASTER II: A major embarrassment for late 70's beefsteak stud hunk Marc Singer who once again is forced to don the loincloth a blither like a monosyllabic Mongoloid while battling the onslaught of saggy middle age and some seemingly unnamed debilitating social disease in this tongue-in-cheek sequel.
BASKET CASE 3: …I felt extremely guilty for blowing off viewing my old boyfriend Frank Henenlotter's mutant blob sequel at a weekend only midnight screening…as I strolled down 42nd St. feeling that the issue you now hold in you hands was going to be sadly incomplete, a homeboy beckoned me to his kiosk, grunting "Wan buy sum videos?"  Was I ever surprised as hell to see that one of the titles he was offering at $12.50 a shot was the new Henenlotter opus I just missed. "Where did you get that from?" I stammered, not really expecting an answer. The brother beamed from beneath his Ice Cube hooded sweatshirt and announced proudly "I cam-corded it myself - just last night!" Oh, the American way of free enterprise is great ain't it Frank?" By the way the film really sucks…

#106 -
( Altered ad for
Two Evil Eyes )

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